Camp Notes #3
My hands are so cold. I deserve a boyfriend and a hot chocolate for this one.
I do love to be in the woods. I never had any interest in camping, or hiking, or any sort of outdoorsy activity when I was growing up. I scrolled Tumblr all day, played Minecraft with my internet friends, and drew Homestuck fanart in the corners of my math workbooks. I sat in the bleachers at football games with the rest of the marching band and made snide little faux-ignorant jokes about sportsball. I was too good to care or find it entertaining. I was an artist. I had refined interests and I cared about social issues. Where were these “athletes” heading with their lives? To the MRI machine? Of course I was better than them. They were peaking right then and there. I wanted to kill myself most nights and mornings and afternoons but as long as I could push through to the end of junior year, it would all get better and I would live a long, prosperous life, and they would get married and divorced and probably kill themselves once I’m happy and gay and successful.
It’s really hard to not define our own happiness in opposition to someone else’s. I envy careers, love lives, apartments, bodies. If I just had it like they do. If someone would just give me a chance like they got. I could do that too. I could do it better. And the opposite is true too. At least I’m not like them, though. At least I have integrity. Did you see him posting through it, like a teenager? So embarrassing. I’d never do that, not anymore. Thank god I take care of myself. Thank god I have my dignity.
I want to say that I’ve had a blissful unplugged time in the woods but I’m thinking about work a lot. It’s not a problem. I feel really ready to work hard. I feel like I have a lot to prove and I want to prove it. When you work in entertainment and production, people are always talking about the talent. Where does talent go, when does talent arrive, what does talent need. And it has to be that way. The photoshoot will still happen without one of the makeup artists or one of the PAs. The photoshoot will not happen without the person being photo-shot.
A good producer is ruthlessly practical, and through that ruthlessness outside the room, allows everyone inside the room to be dreamy and creative and flowing and fluid and nonhierarchical and beautiful. Someone has to get the money from somewhere and be a bitch about deadlines, or nothing will ever get made. This year I’ve embraced being the producer. It’s part of my toolkit, maybe the main tool in the kit. I have plenty to learn still, but I’m good at making decisions and speaking loudly, which is really all you need to have to produce decently. The second part is critical. You have to be both loud and calm. People will listen to you if you are loud and calm. It’s kind of crazy how many times I have worked for leaders who are incapable of both, and sometimes not even capable of one.
Anyway, I want you and the world to know that I am also the talent. That’s a big goal of this year of my life. I’m not just Declan who you can rely on to rally the team and pack the truck and make the callsheet. I am also going to be sitting in the chair and answering the question on camera. I will be receiving the award and negotiating where my name goes on the billing, and renegotiating that billing after I’ve received the award. I will share my very reasonable rider with the venue and leave a thank you note that makes people say “yeah, they did a show with us last month and they were literally so nice and cool and normal and gracious.” This will all happen, and sooner than you think.
If someone else wrote this and I read it, I would think they are so obnoxious and full of themselves, and I would probably be projecting my own insecurities onto them. But there’d also be a kernel of truth to it. I am full of myself! Aren’t you?
Lead image: Woman Bathing Her Feet in a Brook by Camille Pissarro, 1894/1895.
I’m running out of recent pictures of food to put in the B sections of these posts. I guess I don’t actually take that many food pictures. Beating the millennial allegations once again! We made these savory tarts at a recent party at Laura’s. They were so fire. It makes me so sad when I meet adults who do not cook. It makes me sad that their parents did not think it was important to teach them, and it makes me sad that they do not think it’s important enough for them to teach themselves. I do think you should be ashamed of yourself if you cannot prepare even simple foods. It is the basis of all civilization. You should see it as your most basic duty to your common man, even if you don’t have someone to cook for on the daily, just in case, just for when it comes up. And it’s so fun and makes life so colorful and delightful. Get with the program, bro!
###
u r very obviously the talent 🫡🫡🫡